7 Tips for Difficult Conversations with Students

These tips are actually true for conversations with just about anyone, not only students. Too often I think we avoid having a difficult conversation about a topic because we aren't sure how it will go. We aren't sure if it will be productive, so we just remain silent.

Or, on the other hand, we know the topic might evoke some strong emotions, so we come at the conversation forcefully, from a position of dominance. It's the "my way or the highway" approach. That might get compliance from students, but it won't build trust or stronger relationships. Underneath it all, there will be a kid who resents you.

Neither of these approaches is successful. It's not good to be silent and avoid the topic. And it's not good to be aggressive and overbearing either. A healthy relationship is build on mutual trust that comes through respectful dialogue.

Here are five tips for having difficult conversations that create shared meaning and understanding.

1. Keep Dialogue Open

Let the student know that you are willing to listen and work together to solve the problem. Ask if they are willing to listen to your thoughts too. Keep the focus on the issue and not on sweeping generalizations like "You always..." or "You never..." statements. You might even ask the student, "How can we have this conversation in a way that is positive and helpful?"

2. Make Respect a Top Priority

Let the student know you believe it's possible to solve any problem if both parties are respectful of one another. Let the student know you will never intentionally disrespect him or her. Let them know you want to hear what they think about the issue. The words we use are powerful and communicate our level of respect. Your body language and tone of voice are equally important.

3. Describe Your Intentions

You might say, "I'm willing to discuss this as long as it takes until we both feel good about how it's resolved." Let the student know you're wanting a solution he or she can feel good about too. We're aiming for a WIN/WIN outcome, not my way or the highway. As the teacher, you don't have to prove you're in charge. You ARE in charge. You don't have to prove it. Work cooperatively with students to seek WIN/WIN solutions.

4. Be Curious, Not Furious

Ask questions to understand the student's perspective. Be curious about what they are experiencing. Say, "Tell me more" or "Go on" to show you are interested in hearing the details. Paraphrase what they say to you to show you're listening. My biggest mistake is talking too much. When I'm "telling" a student what I think should happen, I'm missing the opportunity to listen and better understand the student's perspective.

5. Avoid Countering

Countering results in arguments. We start debating the facts. We build our case. We prove our points. It's about "being right." Try to avoid this trap. Try to stay curious and avoid countering. Spend more time listening. The goal is to get to a place where both parties let their guard down and work together cooperatively.

6. Timing is Everything

In my first few years as a principal, I would sometimes choose horrible timing to try to address an issue. I thought it had to be resolved immediately. Usually, that's not true. Most of the time it can wait until cooler heads prevail. If I sense there is no way to have safe dialogue in the moment, I'll step away temporarily. And then I'll resume the conversation in a different location in a different time. This works much better than allowing a situation to escalate.

7. Focus on the Future

Every kid needs a fresh start every day. Time spent holding onto yesterday means less time moving forward today. Take inventory of the current situation, but then focus on the future. Where do we want our relationship to go from here? How can we work together to make the future brighter in this situation? What are we trying to accomplish? What will it look like if we are successful in resolving this problem?

Some people might view these tips as "going easy, or "being soft" or "having low expectations." I would completely disagree. We must have firm boundaries. What's easy is avoiding the conversation entirely. What's easy is being silent. What's easy is also using threats or power to get your way. What's hard is listening to a student, understanding their perspective, and guiding them in a way that is cooperative and respectful. We MUST have boundaries, and we MUST challenge behavior that is harmful to learning. But the way we do it can either build trust or destroy it. 

What are some of your strategies for having difficult conversations with students? I know you have some great tips to share. I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on or .

        

Comments

• Comments

Related Stories

• 5 Tips for Building Great Relationships with Students
• 3 Reasons to Recognize Effort and Growth Over Achievement and Outcomes
• What's the Key to Influencing Your Students?

 

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ARIIA by Azora in the Norquay Village

ARIIA by Azora Group is a new townhouse development located in the Norquay Village, East Vancouver. This project will offer a collection of 10 two and three bedroom beautiful townhomes for the modern family, situated in a serene tree-lined setting. ARIIA offers a stellar location with easy access to other cities from the nearby skytrain station, or arrive at Downtown Vancouver in just 15 minutes by car. Recently there have been community enhancements, including bike routes and public spaces such as Slocan and Norquay Park, as well as the community fruit orchard.

The post ARIIA by Azora in the Norquay Village appeared first on Vancouver New Condos.

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7 Tips for Difficult Conversations with Students

These tips are actually true for conversations with just about anyone, not only students. Too often I think we avoid having a difficult conversation about a topic because we aren't sure how it will go. We aren't sure if it will be productive, so we just remain silent.

Or, on the other hand, we know the topic might evoke some strong emotions, so we come at the conversation forcefully, from a position of dominance. It's the "my way or the highway" approach. That might get compliance from students, but it won't build trust or stronger relationships. Underneath it all, there will be a kid who resents you.

Neither of these approaches is successful. It's not good to be silent and avoid the topic. And it's not good to be aggressive and overbearing either. A healthy relationship is build on mutual trust that comes through respectful dialogue.

Here are five tips for having difficult conversations that create shared meaning and understanding.

1. Keep Dialogue Open

Let the student know that you are willing to listen and work together to solve the problem. Ask if they are willing to listen to your thoughts too. Keep the focus on the issue and not on sweeping generalizations like "You always..." or "You never..." statements. You might even ask the student, "How can we have this conversation in a way that is positive, helpful way?"

2. Make Respect a Top Priority

Let the student know you believe it's possible to solve any problem if both parties are respectful of one another. Let the student know you will never intentionally disrespect him or her. Let them know you want to hear what they think about the issue. The words we use are powerful and communicate our level of respect.

3. Describe Your Intentions

You might say, "I'm willing to discuss this as long as it takes until we both feel good about how it's resolved." Let the student know you're wanting a solution he or she can feel good about too. We're aiming for a WIN/WIN outcome, not my way or the highway. As the teacher, you don't have to prove you're in charge. You ARE in charge. You don't have to prove it. Work cooperatively with students to seek WIN/WIN solutions.

4. Be Curious, Not Furious

Ask questions to understand the student's perspective. Be curious about what they are experiencing. Say, "Tell me more" or "Go on" to show you are interested in hearing the details. Paraphrase what they say to you to show you're listening. My biggest mistake is talking too much. When I'm "telling" a student what I think should happen, I'm missing the opportunity to listen and better understand the student's perspective.

5. Avoid Countering

Countering results in arguments. We start debating the facts. We build our case. We prove our points. It's about "being right." Try to avoid this trap. Try to stay curious and avoid countering. Spend more time listening. The goal is to get to a place where both parties let their guard down and work together cooperatively.

6. Timing is Everything

In my first few years as a principal, I would sometimes choose horrible timing to try to address an issue. I thought it had to be resolved immediately. Usually, that's not true. Most of the time it can wait until cooler heads prevail. If I sense there is no way to have safe dialogue in the moment, I'll say, "

7. Focus on the Future

Every kid needs a fresh start every day. Time spent holding onto yesterday means less time moving forward today. Take inventory of the current situation, but then focus on the future. Where do we want our relationship to go from here? How can we work together to make the future brighter in this situation? What are we trying to accomplish? What will it look like if we are successful in resolving this problem?

Some people might view these tips as "going easy, or "being soft" or "having low expectations." I would completely disagree. We must have firm boundaries. What's easy is avoiding the conversation entirely. What's easy is being silent. What's easy is also using threats or power to get your way. What's hard is to really listen to a student, understand their perspective, and guide them in a way that is cooperative and respectful. We MUST have boundaries, and we MUST challenge behavior that is harmful to learning. But the way we do it can either build trust or destroy it. 

What are some of your strategies for having difficult conversations with students? I know you have some great tips to share. I want to hear from you. Leave a comment below or respond on Facebook or Twitter.

        

Comments

• Comments

Related Stories

• 5 Tips for Building Great Relationships with Students
• 3 Reasons to Recognize Effort and Growth Over Achievement and Outcomes
• What's the Key to Influencing Your Students?

 

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PMP:127 Why Social Emotional Learning Matters – Interview with Tamara Fyke

Educators are talking a lot about students in trauma. Although you may not always know when students are stressed or facing a crises, research by the American Psychological Association, shows that today’s students have the same level of anxiety as psychiatric patients did in the 1950’s. Some of this anxiety is the result of increased […]

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“Success is a catalyst for failure.”

I am always a sucker for articles that share quotes because they stop and give me food for thought. I shared this article recently and the following quote on success leading to failure, as well as the write-up, gave me pause:

“Success is a catalyst for failure.” — Greg McKeown

Success becomes a catalyst for failure because “success” isn’t something you’ve accomplished. It’s something you create. And the only way you can create something of true value is by being a deep student.

Most people stop being true students after they’ve succeeded, even in small degrees. They begin to ‘rest on their laurels’ — being so satisfied with what one has already achieved that one makes no further effort.

Additionally, with increased success often follows over-confidence and lack of focus. You stop putting in the time. You stop taking risks. You over-attach yourself and look more and more to the past and what you’ve achieved. You stop focusing on the future and what you want to achieve. You start listening to other people’s ideas and comments and stop listening to your own voice.

Success is a suppressant to creativity, if you attach to it rather than use it as a vehicle to push your boundaries even further.

This quote stuck with me both on a personal and organizational level.  When one sees success in pursuit of their own goals, it can often lead to further progress.  Personally, when I feel that I am getting healthier and in all honesty, other people comment, it pushes me to work harder.  But sometimes the routine that leads you to success becomes “routine,” and we can stagnate.  What led us to the success in the first place was developing new habits, and sometimes those habits are great for maintenance but become harmful to future growth.  Maintenance is not always the worst thing, but if we want to grow in an area, changing our routines, or what we do in those routines, becomes essential.

On the organizational level, I have seen that the groups that become the quickest to move backward are the ones most satisfied with their success.  But as the world moves forward, if you are standing still, you are falling behind.  The thing with success is that it is much harder to challenge than failure. People can become complacent and judge what they have done solely based on the past, without looking at what is happening now or what they are creating for the future.  This William Pollard quote sums it up beautifully:

Take time to celebrate your the successes you have accomplished, but be wary of becoming comfortable with them.

 

• July 1, 2018 3 Ways We Can Learn from Past Success
• October 21, 2014 4 Reasons Why “Innovation” in Education is Different Today
• June 29, 2016 Who is defining “student success”?
• June 28, 2013 The Prophets In Your Land
• November 29, 2017 3 Articles for Student Discussion on “Success”

Source: George Couros

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NUDE by Battistella in Calgary

NUDE by Battistella is a new 18-storey highrise condo development located in Calgary’s most dynamic neighbourhood, the West Beltline. This project will offer 177 homes, sizes range from 400 sqft to 800 sqft. Inspired by timeless architecture, NUDE reflects a considered aesthetic where symmetry and articulation combine to create a simple and calm elegance.

The post NUDE by Battistella in Calgary appeared first on Vancouver New Condos.

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“Success is a catalyst for failure.”

I am always a sucker for articles that share quotes because they stop and give me food for thought. I shared this article recently and the following quote on success leading to failure, as well as the write-up, gave me pause:

“Success is a catalyst for failure.” — Greg McKeown

Success becomes a catalyst for failure because “success” isn’t something you’ve accomplished. It’s something you create. And the only way you can create something of true value is by being a deep student.

Most people stop being true students after they’ve succeeded, even in small degrees. They begin to ‘rest on their laurels’ — being so satisfied with what one has already achieved that one makes no further effort.

Additionally, with increased success often follows over-confidence and lack of focus. You stop putting in the time. You stop taking risks. You over-attach yourself and look more and more to the past and what you’ve achieved. You stop focusing on the future and what you want to achieve. You start listening to other people’s ideas and comments and stop listening to your own voice.

Success is a suppressant to creativity, if you attach to it rather than use it as a vehicle to push your boundaries even further.

This quote stuck with me both on a personal and organizational level.  When one sees success in pursuit of their own goals, it can often lead to further progress.  Personally, when I feel that I am getting healthier and in all honesty, other people comment, it pushes me to work harder.  But sometimes the routine that leads you to success becomes “routine,” and we can stagnate.  What led us to the success in the first place was developing new habits, and sometimes those habits are great for maintenance but become harmful to future growth.  Maintenance is not always the worst thing, but if we want to grow in an area, changing our routines, or what we do in those routines, becomes essential.

On the organizational level, I have seen that the groups that become the quickest to move backward are the ones most satisfied with their success.  But as the world moves forward, if you are standing still, you are falling behind.  The thing with success is that it is much harder to challenge than failure. People can become complacent and judge what they have done solely based on the past, without looking at what is happening now or what they are creating for the future.  This William Pollard quote sums it up beautifully:

Take time to celebrate your the successes you have accomplished, but be wary of becoming comfortable with them.

 

• July 1, 2018 3 Ways We Can Learn from Past Success
• October 21, 2014 4 Reasons Why “Innovation” in Education is Different Today
• June 29, 2016 Who is defining “student success”?
• June 28, 2013 The Prophets In Your Land
• November 29, 2017 3 Articles for Student Discussion on “Success”

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